I don’t remember when my interest in girls started, but it was in the little things. How I always took a strong liking to female characters in movies. How I always cared more about what girls thought of me.
In my first year in secondary school, I had a crush on my “school mother”. I was the one that asked her to be my school mother because that was as close to her as I was going to get. In my second year, I had a crush on my friend’s older sister who had just graduated. This one lasted years. I wrote all sorts of letters about how beautiful she was and how I’d like to be friends with her. It didn’t occur to me that it may have come off as weird to some people.
In retrospect, I’d like to know what she was thinking as she read the letters. I miss those times when I dared to do the things I wanted to do. Anyway, we had an unusual friendship given the age difference, but it was one of the best periods of my life. Both of these times, I didn’t know what it was but that was the beginning of my awareness about my sexuality.
And then there was H. H made me feel things that confused me. With her one dimpled smile and the aura that she exuded that always made me feel all warm and tingly. She has the most beautiful smile. I think that if Love was a person, it would be her.
For my birthday one year, she gave me a rose (It was one of those fake roses that came in plastic wraps). I didn’t think about what it could have meant at that time but I kept it for years, and I didn’t think about why I did that either. We’ve been friends for almost 15 years and I’m still a little in love with her (jk, a lot). Anyway by this time, I knew. I was a girl who liked girls and I was starting to accept it.
I don’t think I ever went through the phase of trying to “pray the gay away” but then again, I have never been a religious person. I did go through the phase of hoping I was Bisexual and entertaining thoughts of getting married to a man and having a “normal” life. This was a very short phase. I decided that if I was going to live, it would be on my terms. I’ll set the standard for what’s normal.
But that’s not all. I am also a 22 year old woman who likes women but has never so much as kissed a woman. And no, it’s not because I’m deep in the closet. I’ve come out to a couple of people so I’d say I’m halfway out of the closet. Over time, I realized that I don’t feel sexual attraction the way other people do. Maybe I’m somewhere on the Asexuality spectrum, maybe I’m not. I don’t know yet.
I have only ever been sexually attracted to just one person, but it wasn’t something that I could explore at that time. I hope that one day, I’ll find all the answers I’m looking for but till then, I am resolved to simply live in every moment.
So, I’m still trying to figure out all my identities but for now, I’m here, I’m queer and I’m proud.
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