All I know is I like women and I like men

an invitation to lgbtq+ Africans

I’m struggling with my bisexuality because I’m not sure if I’m deserving of the word ‘bisexual’.

I’m 29 years old and I’ve never been with a woman, even tho I’ve been attracted to women for as long as I can remember. I only recently came out to my best friends after years and years of struggling with my sexuality. Something always felt ‘missing’. When I told my one of my friends that I was attracted to women, he said “I knew it. I’ve always known it.”

I’ve known it too. But what does it mean when you’re not sure of it? Especially if you have no action to back it up?

The first time I made out with a woman, I was 19 and at a party playing truth or dare. I was dared to kiss the girl sitting right beside me; a loud & drunk party girl whose top was already off cos she was dared to take it off. As soon as the boys in the room told me to kiss her, she turned to me and went for it. 

Looking back, that’s when I felt it. The weird ‘comfort’ that comes with knowing your place or being confident in your position. I felt it – right in that moment – even if it was just a brief moment. 

I’ve never kissed or been with a woman since then. 

It’s not like I haven’t tried. I have a friend who I’m very attracted to and I thought was into me as well. I was so excited about just flirting with her. What would it be like?, I thought. How do I let her know that I want to bump uglies with her? I’d never felt so vulnerable & scared about sex. Sex with men is easy. Sex with a woman (in my head) would be so much different. I knew what to do to make men cum (again, men are easy) but a woman…especially since I had no experience at all — I was fucking terrified. 

Sadly, it didn’t work out. She was interested solely in peen and I was sad. 

Titles are…weird. I understand why we need them but I’ve never been a fan of them. Especially when it comes to things like this. Can I call myself bisexual? Can I give myself that title since I’ve never been with another woman? I know I’m attracted to women and I’ve touched myself thinking and fantasising about all the things I want to do to women (actually, same girl as before. She’s hot AF). But actions speak louder than words, right? Because of this, I don’t think I deserve the term bisexual. Maybe queer? I dunno, I dunno. 

All I know is that I like women and I like men. Whatever title you want to give that, I’ll accept it. 

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5 thoughts on “All I know is I like women and I like men

  1. De says:

    Wow. i feel so seen. i just say i’m queer/bi because i feel like i’m too old to not be sure

  2. A. says:

    I feel a certain resonance with this, and at some point in time, I needed someone to tell me that I didn’t need to earn any label, and someone was there to tell me that. So I just wanted to tell you that you don’t need to do anything with a woman for your bisexuality to be valid. It’s valid, and if you feel like ‘queer’ fits you better, then that’s valid too. Those feelings are real, and that’s all there is.

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